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press a kiss to his temple. He leans against her, half-thinking he should make at least
some attempt to hide his ex's favourite cuddly toy from the woman he's been living and
sleeping with for the last few years, but she's seen it, there's no point, and he doesn't want
to keep things from her anyway.
"Did you want something?" he says quietly. She just shakes her head.
"Nothing important."
"I need to... I don't even know. Get rid of it. I don't know how."
"You could give it back to him."
"I don't want to."
"Don't be cruel, you can't just throw it in the bin."
"I don't want to see him."
"Yes you do."
"Of course I do, that's the point, I can't. He's like... the worst of everything. He's
like crack and poison. Killer speedball in a skin suit. I can't do that again."
"Is it as bad as pretending you're happy, though?"
"Love, I'm not pretending." How convincing does that sound? He can feel himself
pulling a disgusted face and tries to smooth it out before she sees in case she thinks it's
directed at her and not himself. "I'll just throw it out. Sorted."
"Come on. If you were going to do that you'd have done it years ago."
She's being so fucking calm, he can't bear it. He stands up abruptly and throws the
monkey into the bottom of the wardrobe, slamming the door on it with a loud crack like a
gunshot, and that's where it ends - until Ellie buys him a one-way ticket to London the
next day and tells him to get out, and that's where it ends.
10.
August 2014
You shouldn't put your phone number on Facebook, idiot. Can we meet?
Lindsay
r u in ldn??
Yes.
were??
Where's best for you?
were r u rite now?
British Library. Euston Rd. starbux half hr?
Fine.
***
Lindsay sees him through the window first. He's wearing a newsboy cap, and a
Tom Baker scarf looped around and around and trailing down past the hem of his jacket
right to his knees. It's all new, the gunmetal leather jacket, the hat and scarf and
everything, his boots and jeans, the bag he's carrying... the baby he's carrying, girlishly on
his hip. Lindsay's never seen any of it before but Valentine looks exactly the same. He
suddenly feels ill, and wonders if he can escape without being seen. It was a stupid idea.
Stupid stupid stupid.
But then Valentine pushes the door open and spots Lindsay before he can even
put his mug down, never mind run away.
He's smiling, sort of. Very faintly, very crookedly, but it's there. He's breathless.
"Alright?" he says quietly, and Lindsay wants to say yes and no at the same time
but there's no word for that. He looks away instead, then back again, then down. He can
feel that same almost-smile tugging the corner of his mouth.
"I owe you a drink, don't I?"
"Yeah, I think you fucking well do." Valentine kicks at the spare armchair to get
it out from under the table and sits down, settling the little girl on his lap so he can
unwind his scarf and take his hat off.
"Hazelnut vanilla cinnamon caramel mocha?"
"You remembered."
"Who's this?"
She's got dark blonde hair held out of her face by a neon yellow plastic alice band,
she's got tiny black painted fingernails, she's wearing red jeans and a Ramones t-shirt and
little Doc Martens, and she's sucking her thumb and cuddling a knitted bunny and staring
at Lindsay with startling green eyes. He feels a bit mad, then a bit sick, then a bit mad
again, brain whirring trying to work out dates. He's never been much good at guessing
people's ages, especially children. Is she about three? More than that? Less than that?
Valentine shifts his grip on her so he can brush a stray bit of hair out of her face with his
free hand and tuck it back under her band, and the way he's looking at her...
"This is Dory. You wanna say hi to my old friend, honey?" She suddenly gets shy
and hides her face in her bunny, and Valentine laughs quietly and kisses her hair. "Yeah,
it's alright, he is a bit scary, I know..."
"Dory like... the fish, in that film?"
"Finding Nemo? No, Dory like Dorian, like my nan."
"Right. Jesus." He can't make himself stand up to get more drinks now, he can't
stop staring. Valentine looks back, raised eyebrows, waiting. "What?"
"Nothing. I'm just..." Stunned. Horrified. "Nothing. I'll get drinks. What's Dory
having, double espresso?"
"Milk, smartarse."
He can still hear Valentine's voice when he's over by the counter waiting in the
queue, talking nonsense to Dory. She seems chatty enough when it's just the two of them.
Typical response from kids. They never like him at first. Not that he cares. She shuts up
again when Lindsay goes back over with their cups, just looking at him anxiously and
standing up on Valentine's legs so she can put her podgy little arms around his neck.
"Ow, OW, god, don't stand there, babe, my nuts ain't a trampoline... you gonna
say thank you Lindsay for your drink while I go to the toilet?" She looks scared and
clings on. Valentine laughs a bit, standing up and putting her back in his empty seat.
"Come on, honey, you don't wanna come in the stinky boys' toilets, it's gross in there. He
won't bite you. You're okay watching her for a sec?" he adds, looking at Lindsay. You
can't really say no to that without sounding like a wanker, so he nods.
Dory stares at him over her bunny's head, as if she doesn't even trust him as far as
she could throw him. Lindsay wonders what Valentine's said to her about him. Probably
nothing. He's just being paranoid. What could you say about it to a child her age,
anyway?
He clears his throat and drinks some coffee, even though it's still too hot to be
comfortable and burns his tongue. "You like the Ramones?" he asks, because he's got no
idea what else to say. Nothing for a while, she just stares at him, then she nods her head
shyly.
He wants to laugh then. Bonding with your ex's surprise baby in a packed coffee
shop over a band you liked three decades before she was even born. That's just weird.
"Do you think I should believe you?" She nods again, looking indignant, and he
does laugh this time, he can't help it. "What's your favourite song?" She still won't say
anything, she just goes really shy again. She curls her knees up under her chin and
presses her bunny against her face and she looks so much like a miniature version of
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