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welcomed me, the only one who had truly attempted to have me understand what
was happening, who the Masarians were and what being my father s Gareth s
son entailed. Without him, I do not think I could have done it, could have accepted
my fate with anything even approaching sanity.
Certainly he had seen me at my worst and always seemed to forgive my
transgressions with a calm aplomb that helped my own rash impulsiveness that
seemed to get me in such straits. He was very soothing to be around, and I always
found myself able to think clearly, to converse with him in a manner that was
possible with few others. He did not make me nervous or accentuate my youth so
that I had trouble speaking. I could just be me around him, and that was rare
indeed.
His gentle good humor was much appreciated, and he was the only one who
had ever been able to make me truly laugh at least before Ice.
Vlar had not come to supper, and I was both relieved and concerned. It was not
like him to miss food, and I wondered where he was.
Gaven 2: The Bonding 53
I tore my thoughts away. Vlar, always Vlar. I was sick of thinking about him,
sick of wondering where I stood with him. He was my eramon, and that was all that
he was. I chastised myself harshly for my utter absorption in the Finnarian.
I needed to find other pursuits to take my mind off him. I needed to ask Ice
once more whether having an eramon precluded other relationships. If it were not
so, then I needed to move on, needed to find someone whom I could at least
understand, and who would try to understand me.
This could not go on the way it was.
Perhaps I should speak to some of the eramai Vlar had trained in the past. If
they showed the same level of absorption in Vlar, then I would know this was a
common thing and of no true concern. Maybe then I could move on from it. Let it go.
I nodded to myself. That, then, was the answer.
With an inner sigh of relief that I now had at least a course of action, I turned
to Andar with a true smile, and we began to discuss weapons.
* * *
I slept well that night, even though I was alone. I did not twist and turn
waiting for Vlar to join me. I had set my course, and it gave me a sense of calm, a
plan to go by.
I could not put that plan into motion for several days, but I laid the
groundwork, finding out from others who had been Vlar s previous eramai and
where I might find them. It was enough to keep me occupied and feeling as though I
was making headway in my self-appointed task.
Many of the men were in other units, not necessarily attached to the army that
was currently residing at the palace. Apparently the units were often based in
different cities and called in when needed. With our arrival, many of the units had
gone on to their home bases and so were not readily available for my plan.
I did manage to find three men though, and hopefully that would be enough to
gain the knowledge I needed.
54 J. C. Owens
The first young man, who had been eramai just before me, was a pleasant
person indeed. He had a ready smile and a light step and always seemed to be
helping others with one thing or another. He was so very different from me that I
felt unworthy. Still, Vlar had not kept him.
This young man was now bonded to another, so that boded well, and he
seemed very happy in the relationship. He was courteous and listened to my
questions well. He told me that of course he was still in love with Vlar. Everyone
was. Vlar was like a fantasy figure, something to dream of. But to bond with? He
had a laugh over that, which crushed my hopes that little bit more. Vlar would
never settle, he told me. He did not know if that was the Finnarian way or not. He
seemed to know little to nothing about Vlar as a person, and I found that bothered
me a great deal. How could you have a relationship with a person, even
eramon/eramai, and not want to know more of who was in your bed?
I could not understand and perhaps did not want to.
I brought up the intensified hearing, the sense of smell, the feel of the earth,
and he looked at me as if I were quite mad. He had experienced no such thing and
felt that perhaps it was because of the intense pleasure. I had to have hallucinated.
He patted my arm and hugged me, then swirled off with intense energy.
He was utterly exhausting.
By the time I had found and spoken to the other two men, I was completely
and utterly worn-out and more confused than ever.
None of them seemed to feel any more than the surface attraction that the first
man had spoken of. None of them had found a deeper need for Vlar, although they
mentioned feeling it at the time they actually were eramai.
So that was good. It meant there was hope for me. By the time I left Vlar,
perhaps I could look forward to a true relationship. They had also told me that they
had had various trysts during their eramai training, although it was expected that
you would not have a serious relationship outside of your eramon, because of the
Gaven 2: The Bonding 55
complications it could create. Certainly none of them had experienced Vlar
interfering with those trysts, many of which had been in sight of him.
None of the men understood what I meant about the heightened senses, and
all seemed to feel it was the intense pleasure Vlar could produce that must have
made me imagine things.
I was beginning to doubt I had felt them myself.
I walked away at the end of the day with a raging headache and more
confusion than ever. Their experiences did not seem to mirror mine in anything but
a surface resemblance.
So what was happening? Had there been others that had experienced such
heights, and I had just not spoken with them yet?
It all made no sense.
Most of all, I found it disturbing that no one really knew Vlar. I had even
questioned Andar about him, and although they were friends quite close,
actually Andar could not claim to know Vlar s thoughts on things, did not know
his background or true history beyond when he had come to Masaria to serve the
current king s grandfather.
It seemed a very lonely existence that my eramon led. None of his people had
ever been seen since Vlar had arrived. No one seemed to see him as he truly was, to
want to delve deeper and find the true person.
So why was that so important to me, then?
I stayed at supper for a long time, watching through the windows as a storm
blew in, thunder shaking the floor occasionally or lightning blinding me. I loved
storms, always had. Micael had always chided me for my rash behavior. I would
usually go outside, daring the elements. He had never understood my fascination.
The storm produced a restlessness within me, and I excused myself, heading
not outside, but up to my place in Vlar s rooms. It was dimly lit with a few candles
56 J. C. Owens
within, only the flashes of lightning providing any sort of true vision for me, and it
was within a flash that I saw him.
Vlar stood outside, in pouring rain, utterly naked. His face was turned
upward, his arms spread, palms up as though to praise a deity, his body arched
back slightly.
I caught my breath, stunned at his beauty. His long, golden hair, darkened by
the rain, cascaded down his back, flowing with the water that ran down his form.
His wildness called to something in me, as the storm did, and I found myself
walking forward, slowly divesting myself of clothing. I never took my eyes from him,
getting only brief flashes of images each time the lightning graced me with a
picture.
The rain was cool upon my suddenly heated skin as I stepped out from the
shelter of the room and into the storm. The wind buffeted me; the rain slid in
rivulets down my body, like the touch of cold fingers.
Vlar felt me, I knew. He was too aware of his surroundings not to have, and I
wasn t startled when he turned swiftly to face me. His eyes were not red, but held a
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